Nowhere Man
by Missmarauder13
Summary: What happened to Remus Lupin during those 12 Years? This is his story and the affects of his best friends and lover leaving him. RL/SB someRL/OC
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: New fic! This is what happened to Remus in those "lost years" where Sirius was in prison and before Remus went to teach at Hogwarts. Remus' OC sister Rachel is in this. There will be flashbacks those will be in _italics._ Enjoy

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The title "Nowhere Man" comes from the song by The Beatles.

* * *

Novemeber 1, 1981

"Professor Dumbledore," Remus was surprised to see the Headmaster in his flat. By habit he still called him professor and sometimes forgot to just call him Albus. "What can I do for you? Is everything all right?" They walked over to where the sofa was in the small apartment.

"Remus I am so sorry," Dumbledore said sullenly. "Lily and James are dead."

"What!" Remus was in pure shock. "No that can't be," Remus sat down. "Is Harry alive?"

"Yes he is. He is being sent to his Aunt and Uncle, his only living relatives."

"But Sirius-" Remus started to say. "Where's Sirius?"

"Aurors just arrested Sirius for killing 12 muggles and Peter Pettigrew," Dumbledore informed him. "He's being sent to Azkaban without trial."

At that point Remus Lupin's life was gone. Or at least to Remus it was. His friends meant everything to him. And Sirius... Remus covered his face with his hands. He didn't want to cry in front of Dumbledore. He rubbed his eyes. "Thank you for telling me. It's better than me reading it in the Prophet. I'm just... speechless right now" Remus said calmly or as calm as he could. His hands started to shake.

"I am so sorry Remus," Dumbledore said genuinely. "If you need help or some guidance please let me know."

"Thank you," Remus said.

Dumbledore left and Remus just sat there on the sofa staring at the wall. He didn't want to believe what Dumbledore just told him. He wanted it to be just as sick joke. He wanted someone to just say "Haha just kidding!" but that wasn't happening.

"Remus," Rachel Lupin, Remus' younger sister came out from the fireplace. "I came over as soon as I heard. I am so sorry Remus," Rachel went over to hug her brother. Remus could tell she had just been crying (or that could have been that she was drinking again).

"Yeah I am too," Remus said numbly. Remus let go of the embrace and walked over to the kitchen to make some tea.

"What are you doing?" Rachel walked over and asked.

"Making tea,"

"Why?"

"Because there's nothing else I can do."

The two of them sat down at the table near the stove watching for the water to boil.

"Andrew kicked me out," Rachel blurted out. "He's keeping Matthew. It's been over a month and I've been living with a friend but she's moving soon." Rachel paused and continued. "I think it would be better if I lived with you."  
The kettle let off a startling scream so Remus walked over to turn the stove off and poured the water into two glasses.

* * *

_June 1979_

_"You're going to be an Uncle," Rachel whispered to Remus while he was dancing with his sister at a graduation party._

_"WHAT!" Remus jumped away from her. "How can that be?" He whispered the second part._

_"Andrew came to visit me at Hogwarts one day..." Rachel didn't need to explain the rest._

_Remus never approved of Rachel and Andrew's relationship. Andrew was a year older than Remus and thought Rachel should be with someone her age. He didn't want her to rush into anything. Andrew was almost done training to become a healer.  
_

_"Rachel you just got out of school and this is what you're going to do?" Remus said. "This is one of the most stupid decisions you ever made."_

_"Thanks for the support." Rachel said a bit heartbroken._

_"Look, I'll be supportive ok. I just can't believe you're pregnant."_

_"I'm about a month along." Rachel told him._

_"Did Andrew ask you to... marry him?" Remus asked her._

_"No we haven't really discussed it yet."  
_

_February 1980  
"Matthew meet your Uncle Remus," Rachel handed her brother her a few days old baby. Madam Pomfrey helped Rachel deliver in the comforts of the flat Andrew and Rachel shared._

_"Hi Matthew," Remus was holding him now. Remus couldn't help but smile. "And this is Uncle Sirius." Sirius was right behind Remus making funny faces at the baby. "Isn't he adorable?" Remus said to Sirius._

_"Yeah. He is." They both looked lovingly at the baby._

_"Thinking of having your own?" Rachel asked playfully._

_"Possibly," Remus answered seriously._

* * *

"Why did Andrew kick you out?" Remus asked her as he sipped on his tea.

"Apparently for many reasons," Rachel sighed. "I was being neglectful to my child. I didn't go to work because I started partying at nights," Rachel explained. "Also, Andrew thought I was cheating on him."

"Were you?"

"Not really. I didn't have sex with those guys," Rachel replied like there was nothing wrong with what she did.

"Whore," Remus said quietly. "Yeah I guess move in. You're the only one I have left."

"Thanks Remus," Rachel took his hand warmly.

"I have to go," Remus got up abruptly. "I'll see you later."

"Where are you going?" Rachel asked because she was concerned.

"Can't tell you. I'll be back tomorrow. I promise." Remus said to her and left the flat.

He apparated to a small suburban town where the houses looked lovely and all nicely lined up. Remus felt a bit out of place walking down the street. He was in shabby wizard robes but his destination wasn't so far away now.

He hoped she would be home at this time. It's been awhile since Remus has seen Delia Elmwood. His crush before he got with Sirius. Remus and Delia were friends. They use to study together and meet in the library. Remus was never able to tell Delia how she felt because she had a boyfriend since her 4th year at Hogwarts. The boy was Seth Porter from Ravenclaw. They eventually got married and what Remus knew was that they had a daughter named Misty.

Just two months ago Seth was attacked by Death Eaters and died. Delia was all alone with her daughter. Remus meant to visit but had his own life and his own issues he needed to deal with.

"Remus?" Delia opened the door surprised by who was behind it. "It's great to see you. It's been so long," Delia let Remus inside the house. She gave him a quick hug. "I just read the paper. I am so sorry."

"I mean to come by sooner. I am so sorry for your loss." Remus said. The two of them were in her living room.

"I'm glad you came now." Delia said. "It's been... difficult the last few months."

"How's Misty? She's around Harry's age right?"

"She's pretty good," Delia offered Remus a cup of tea. "She's a big sister now. I gave birth to twins right before Seth was killed. I have my hands full."

"Wow that is a lot," Remus didn't really know what to say. "Delia I am-" Remus was cut off from talking because Delia's lips were on his mouth.

She kept kissing him and Remus was so confused. He wanted this. He wanted this when he was 14 but couldn't have her. And now after everything. Remus gave in and kissed her back.

"I'm sorry if that was too forceful," Delia said in between her kissing him.

"No it's fine," Remus replied. He grabbed the back of her head with his hand and his other hand was by her waist. The kisses from her were nice. They were sweet and unlike anything he experienced before.

Delia led him toward her bedroom. Remus' heart started pounding but he still kept kissing her. Delia took off her top and Remus took off his shirt too. Her long brown hair was covering her breasts so Remus pushed her hair back and got on top of her.

Delia seemed surprised how in control Remus was. Remus surprised himself. He just wanted to control something and Delia at the moment was perfect.

She looked nothing like him...

Which is what Remus wanted.  
He wanted to forget Sirius Black.

* * *

"Where were you?" Rachel asked him when he walked in the next day. "I was worried."

"Nowhere," Remus answered. "You didn't have to worry."

"I just didn't want you to do something stupid," Rachel explained.

Remus gave a bitter laugh "That's funny coming from you," Remus left and went into his bedroom.

Remus lied down on their-no- his bed. He didn't know when this pain would end. He thought he could get rid of it with Delia but it didn't work. All he kept thinking about was him.

"How can you still be in love with him. After everything he's done. After all the lying." Remus thought. "I can't believe he killed them. He loved them so much or at least I thought he did. I really thought he loved me."

Remus still had a framed picture of him and Sirius on his nightstand. In the picture Sirius is behind Remus; arms wrapped around Remus' waist. Picture Sirius gives picture Remus a nice long kiss.

Remus throws the picture to the ground. He doesn't care that the glass shattered and that he'll have to clean it up later.

He looks down at the floor where the picture is covered in glass.

And for the first time since Dumbledore told him the dreadful news, Remus finally lets out a sob and allows the sadness to consume him.

* * *

A/N: Review. More to come soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note:There will be flashbacks those will be in _italics._ Enjoy

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The title "Nowhere Man" comes from the song by The Beatles.

* * *

_October 1980_

_For the first time in a long time Remus and Sirius were having a meal together in their flat. Normally one of them would be away on a mission for the Order. Or one would be busy and just eat at a later time than the other.  
For a while, Sirius felt this tension between him and Remus. Sirius knew Remus was hiding something. He just did not want to believe that Remus was stabbing him and his friends in the back. So Sirius did not confront Remus about it. Although at times Sirius would start yelling at Remus. His boyfriend would look shocked and tell Sirius to calm down._

_"I have to leave in a few days," Remus broke the silence at dinner. "It's a really important mission."_

_"That you can't tell me about," Sirius said gloomily._

_"Well I can tell you that I have to go undercover for maybe 5 months. I am the only one who can do it. I have to convince werewolves from Fenir Greyback's pack to side with us." Remus told him. Sirius stopped eating and one could hear the clash of the silverware hitting the plate.  
_

_"You can't do that," Sirius said. "That's super dangerous. That's pretty much a suicide mission Remus and I'm not letting that bastard Greyback touch you." Sirius could feel his anger rising. Remus got up from the table and started washing his plate by hand. His back was turned to Sirius. He just couldn't look at him. Did Sirius know that Greyback tried to "claim" Remus? Remus told no one and now felt very uncomfortable.  
_

_"I'll be fine. I have to go. I have to make myself useful in some way."_

_"You do have to do it that way. Please Remus stay." Sirius pleaded even though he was angry with him. He didn't want to lose him._

__

"I can do what I want. I'm not a child." Remus turned around to look at Sirius. "Everything we do for the Order is dangerous this isn't any different." Remus walked away and went into their bedroom.

* * *

In the end, after an argument with Sirius that took almost a day, Remus decided not to go on that mission. Sirius was right. It was a suicide mission and Remus didn't want to be around Greyback_._

It had been a week since Dumbledore told Remus the tragic news and he didn't leave his bed once he returned from Delia's house. He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted this to end. Rachel tried to talk to him through the door but Remus ignored her.  
That Sunday, all Remus wanted to do was get out and run away. But he didn't know where. And then he decided he should run to place Sirius was so against him going to. Remus never was the rebellious type but he didn't want to be himself anymore.  
So Remus left his room and was going to tell Rachel that he would be gone for a bit. He saw Rachel drinking firewhiskey in the living room. Remus saw other empty bottles near her. This was even better because Remus didn't know how she would react to him leaving.

"Rachel I'm going. I don't know when I'll be back." Remus wanted to give her a hug goodbye but couldn't do it. He couldn't feel anything.

"Ok sure," Rahcel slurred. "See ya"

Just as Remus turned the door knob to leave Rachel yelled "Wait I need you. I have to tell you something."

"What is it?" Remus said annoyed.

"Just don't leave me." Rachel pleaded.

"No. I have to go."

"Please just let me tell you that I-"

Remus didn't hear what his drunken sister said after that since he closed the door on her and ran as fast as he could from all the memories.

* * *

Remus traveled to a desolate forest and found a scruffy, sketchy man leaning against the tree.

"Hi... um... I have an appointment with Fenir Greyback." Remus said awkwardly. When the man looked at him funny Remus said, "I am one of you." He showed the man the large scar on the man's shoulder.

"One of his?" the man asked. He could tell from the scar

"Yes." Remus replied.

The man showed him the passage way to get underground where the pack lived. It was a dark and narrow hallway to go through but Remus saw the rooms where the werewolves slept. They were lying all over each other. Some were naked while others had very torn clothing on.

The man told him where Greyback would be. Remus found the werewolf that ruined his life forever. But for some reason he was going back to him.

"You came back," The much larger werewolf said to Remus. "I knew you would." Besides being taller than Remus, he was bigger and could easily crush the smaller werewolf like it was nothing.

"Let me stay here." Remus said to him.

"I know why you are here. I am not an idiot. I know what happened in that human world you live in. All of your friends are dead and your lover killed them." Greyback said bluntly. It sent a shiver through Remus.

"Wait how do you know that?"

"Doesn't matter. You never belonged in that world. No one ever fully accepted you," Greyback said. "How do I know that you will not leave me?" Greyback questioned and walked closer to Remus. "You were never loyal to your own kind."

"It's all I have left." Remus couldn't believe he just said that. "I am loyal."

"I need to see that for myself." Greyback was less than an inch from Remus' face and then Remus felt a rough lips touch his. The kiss wasn't gentle. It was hard, and coarse.

Remus should have expected this but he honestly didn't care. Greyback felt nothing like Sirius so Remus went along with it. At some point Remus was on the ground and Greyback was straddling him. The older werewolf took off Remus' pants. Remus made no protest even though a part of him was telling him to leave and run. Remus was quiet but he did moan when Greyback went inside him. Remus felt pain he never ever experienced before. The older werewolf slapped him across the face at one point but Remus did not make a sound of any pain.

When it was all over Greyback left him there. The older werewolf finally did what he wanted to do to Remus for so long and Remus didn't even put up a fight this time. 


End file.
